Will I ever stop having these?

Just had this worst weekend..wait, Friday too. It's been three days

of me doing nothing but staying all alone home, on the internet eating sad, huge quantities of embarassing crappy-quality food, sleeping a lot, masturbating mindlessly, feeling sick and heavy and slow and weak and a useless meaningless piece of shit.

All alone! Three days with practically no physical interaction with a human being.


This is sick! And, you know what, I've had that shit before but now I happen to totally have the social resources & skills to escape that misery, yet I did not. I just assumed it'd be fine to stay alone. NO, IT'S FUCKING NOT. I need people to keep sane & healthy and efficient. I still need people. Can't do that.

You know, in most of my life I'm living with no good friends or partners around. So I choose to stay alone, but turns out I can't stand it. The fact that I've been staying alone all these years just because I didn't have the skills or the good luck to be around nice people doesn't mean it's my thing. It's never been, I am not comfortable spending more than 5-8 hours all alone. Just like I am not comfortable not having some alone hours in the day. I don't say I can't function either way. I say I get sad, anxious, 'itchy' and cranky.

Fuck this weekend.



btw, so good I'm not a smoker or drinker. Those weekends would probably be worse.