I'll probably find someone fashioning a beard and glasses and stuff like that, or a wonderful woman.

My dear, dearest beloved person,

I believe I need a dear dearest beloved person to exchange mail with. [DDBP it is]

My life has been magnificently interesting and rich. Objectively you might find way more multifarious or content lives but it's not a competition. I feel I've lived enough. My curiosity is still alive & kicking, yet, I realize, that's just one of the working elements that comprise my existence, along with urges, weaknesses, understanding and the miracle of love.


So what do we live for? I don't ask whether I should bother, as there's nothing else to quite bother me. I'm ok with happiness, experiences, relationships, even pain. Experiencing variations in texture and intensity is sure cool & useful but no excitement can deeply satisfy my mind. What do I live for DDBP?

I used to believe in utility. The maximum 'good'. That's not so bad. Then, would I take the risk of keeping fucking my brain instead of working my ass? My favourite excuse to keep lazy. This and that hasn't worked the way I want, the way we 'need'. I'm greedy. I'm a hypocrite. I'm foolish, not in the healthy way I fear. I believe we can do it better, but I don't know how, neither want to find something to believe in. For I see that the very best that's been and is being done cultivating passionate devotion to a great idea is still stuff I don't particularly care about.

Communism, titties, meditation, electricity, contraception. Awesome! Terrific, genius, adorable... Art, music, MUSIC, manual therapy, medications, bicycles, airplanes (I can fucking FLY), ok. This is my world. This is the beginning of an arbitrary 21st century. This is all incorporated in the model I'm fine & dandy with. Even if I suffer slow, painful death I do believe I'll be fine. I'm just fine DDBP. It's all fine.

Do you see my point? No, it's not nihilism for fuck's sake. It's all wonderful. My parents' garden, my brother's patients, my girlfriends' kisses, murders & corruption and depression and slaughter houses, Lamborghinis and innocence and orgasms. That's my life DDBP, we are going to Mars! Are we? That's , yes, that's terrific as well! My gratitude, my awe, my wealth of emotions, my friends, my life is... wow!

and so

I don't want to become an engineer

I don't want to become an artist

I don't want to become a parent

in fact I am not

a man, a student, an activist

it's all conveniences

I don't really care

yes, I do get mad

yes, I do worry about stuff

I do care about people and events

yet, that's not my real problem

neither vital concerns for that matter

you see

I don't worry about myself

I don't fear death anymore

this is all to say,

having everything settled, one way or another

there's only one idea that stands still

and that's that there's something

which is not some thing or entity or idea or divinity or emotion or even fact

I have no fucking idea what it can be (so maybe I can't exclude the above? but so far I have)

there's something to... (I can't even find a verb)

there's something to it!

maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's all so subjective, hence trivially legitimate

but that's all I have right now.